Do NOT Eat the KFC Double Down

When Franklin Delano Roosevelt said that we have nothing to fear but fear itself, he obviously did not live in a world where an acceptable substitute for bread in a bacon and cheese sandwich is fried chicken. Today, I had such a monstrosity for lunch. Motivated by morbid curiosity and reckless abandon with the natural flow of my arteries, I went to KFC and ordered this so-called "sandwich".

My Double Down "sandwich" alone was a whopping 540 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1380 milligrams of sodium. But, since I ordered the combo meal, I also received some potato wedges and a medium Dr. Pepper, for a grand total of 1080 calories, 45 grams of fat, and 2190 milligrams of sodium, which is more than half the daily recommended amount of calories, about 2/3 of the daily recommended amount of fat, and 210 milligrams shy of an entire day's recommended serving of sodium (values taken, respectively, from KFC's website and from the USDA website).

I cannot remember the last time I had a meal as gross as my Double Down combo meal. I was somewhat disappointed not to immediately drop dead of a heart attack by merely gazing upon its grim visage, and equal surprised my heart didn't stop after the first bite. In fact, my heart was much less disturbed by the experience than my stomach, and, when it comes to the stomach, the KFC Double Down is the gift that keeps on giving.

For the rest of the afternoon, my stomach was a quivering mass of unrest, with constant burping reminding me of the fowl abomination I had ingested as it attempted to escape its acidic tomb. As a personal apology to my stomach, for dinner I ate merely steamed rice and boiled vegetables, hoping that this peace offering would be enough to appease my stomach into making the Double Down's passage into the watery beyond as easy as possible.

Do NOT eat the KFC Double Down. There is no need to challenge yourself against this ghoulish hellbeast. This is no challenge to your masculinity or some childish dare to tempt you into making the same mistake I have. For your sake, I beg you: eat something else.